TEE HEE HEE

If I met you last night and wanted to talk to you more how would I get in touch with you?

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 22:59:21 -0400

Message me on Facebook. Looking forward to hearing from you.

I'd like to send you a direct message about booking, but you don't have an email address or DM available on your FB page. How can I contact you directly?

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 22:58:35 -0400

Sorry, I don’t check this very often. You can email me at langstonkerman@gmail.com.

are you single? if so, what do you look for in a woman?

Thu, 29 Nov 2012 07:47:09 -0500

Good question: I like girls with Polio, but also a little bit of Dance Fever.

Do you actually believe that talking trash about the physical appearance of a 65 year old woman is clever and hilarious? It's not. It's cruel and pathetic.

Thu, 29 Nov 2012 07:43:31 -0500

Ooooohh… A crazy contest, ay??? LI accept your challenge.

RHINO VAGINA! RHINO VAGINA! RHINO VAGINA!

Your move…

(This response was paid for by the campaign for Langston Kerman Against Defenseless Old Women 2012)

I saw you at the comedy studio last night and awkwardly told you after the show that you were hilarious which is dumb because of course you were hilarious. You're a PROFESSIONAL COMEDIAN. What I wish I could've said to you (and everyone else, too,) was that you inspired me, which is almost worse to write let alone walk up to you and say so I just left. Like an asshole. but you are NOT an asshole. You are a great comedian. There is no question here, just wanted you to know you have a fan in NYC.

Tue, 14 Aug 2012 01:13:38 -0400

WOOOWWWW!!!! You have no idea how much I appreciate your kind words. Most people forget our names after the shows, so for you to take the time to find me in the deep vastness that is the Internet makes you the second most awesome lady I can think of (the first being Brooklyn Decker — She’s a real champion). Thanks again. It really does mean a lot.

A Complete List of the Reasons Pimping Ain’t Easy 1) Not...

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 20:08:42 -0400

A Complete List of the Reasons Pimping Ain’t Easy

1) Not loving hoes is hard.

Sure they may be unclean and mostly insincere, but touching my junk for a nominal fee is what I’ve always looked for in a woman.

Not loving hoes is like handing me a plate of really syrupy waffles, and saying,

“Hey, after you’re finished, make sure you slap the waffles around and laugh at their father issues.” I can’t do that to waffles.

2) Pimp uniforms are expensive.

Do you know how much money is wasted on gold teeth every year? A ton! If the gold tooth industry ever goes public, we’ll figure our way out of this recession.

Looking like you’re celebrating Easter in space doesn’t just happen by accident.

Sure, underwear made out of alligator and peacock feathers sounds classy, but it is quite the investment.

3) A strong pimp hand is difficult to come by.

Admittedly, I have very gentle hands. Some would say slightly ladylike. I would say, yeah, but a really strong lady.

The issue is it’s hard to change these soft hands. There’s no elective surgery or machine at the gym for developing your calluses.

I’ve learned very quickly these are not the open palms of punishment, but more the open palms of moonlit massages and molding crab cakes.

4) Beating women isn’t nearly as gratifying as my heroes led me to believe.

When my favorite mediocre rappers told me to keep my hoes in line, they failed to mention that hoes sometimes shed human tears.

Also, some hoes call the police (snitches), and let me tell you, the police don’t find pimping nearly as charming as you would think given their history of unnecessarily smacking faces.

5) It can take years to speak pimp fluently.

Pimps usually use very complicated metaphors and colloquialisms to express how much they want their money.

Pimp language is meant to terrify, but also impress with its magical phrasing. When I want my money, I write a softly worded email.

Also, I cc HR in the email, as to protect from any future complications.

Even in this technologically advanced world, I’m not sure if “To Whom It May Concern” is the best way to get a trick in check.

"Little tv sets going off inside my ears, Spacemen floating by, Firecracker beers, Chase the demons..."

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 17:08:42 -0400

“Little tv sets going off inside my ears,
Spacemen floating by,
Firecracker beers,
Chase the demons lightly,
News it hits your eyes,
Up and down the sidewalk,
Take a doo-doo pie,
I love you”

- Tracy Morgan

"But in the main, I feel like a brown bag of miscellany propped against a wall. Against a wall in..."

Sun, 08 Apr 2012 22:48:58 -0400

“But in the main, I feel like a brown bag of miscellany propped against a wall. Against a wall in company with other bags, white, red and yellow. Pour out the contents, and there is discovered a jumble of small things priceless and worthless. A first-water diamond, an empty spool, bits of broken glass, lengths of string, a key to a door long since crumbled away, a rusty knife-blade, old shoes saved for a road that never was and never will be, a nail bent under the weight of things too heavy for any nail, a dried flower or two still a little fragrant. In your hand is the brown bag. On the ground before you is the jumble it held—so much like the jumble in the bags, could they be emptied, that all might be dumped in a single heap and the bags refilled without altering the content of any greatly. A bit of colored glass more or less would not matter. Perhaps that is how the Great Stuffer of Bags filled them in the first place—who knows?”

- Zora Neale Hurston

In honor of the Lionel Richie Oil Spill of 1984

Sun, 01 Apr 2012 17:11:32 -0400

In honor of the Lionel Richie Oil Spill of 1984

Old Broads Doing Work

Sat, 31 Mar 2012 16:55:18 -0400

Old Broads Doing Work

Delayed Album Review: "Unleashed"

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 20:08:44 -0400

Don’t get too comfortable adult rappers with chest hair and responsibilities, it looks like 2003 is going to be quite the year for ~~Lil~~ Bow Wow. The teen sensation scoots back on the scene with his new release “Unleashed” which promises to really urge the question, “How much is $14.99 anyway?”

After abandoning his previous record label, and his first name “Lil”, listeners are meeting a new, more rabie heavy Bow Wow. This isn’t your girlfriend’s little sister’s kitten’s hip hop anymore. With songs about picking girls up at the mall, and learning to drive, it’s like you can actually hear his testicles dropping mid-album. This guy has become plain dangerous. I mean, look at the album cover. It’s the epitome of cool. He is literally throwing up neutral gang signs in front of an explosion! It’s like he’s saying, “Hey explosion, you can’t wear those colors in my neighborhood.” And we’re all sitting back like, “What is he crazy?!” No, he’s no crazy, just unleashed.

Bow Wow’s lyrics have matured quite a bit since his last studio release. For instance, take his impressive use of consonance in the song “Get It Poppin’”.

“B Wizzle, Swizzle, is you crazy baby? I’m rain, them boys just drizzle.”

Wooooaaahhhh!!!! Did this guy just compare himself to a moderate storm??? You damn right he did, and he meant every word.

Similarly, check out his ferocious shoutout to a children’s network in the song “I Can’t Lose”.

“You think it’s easy don’t ya? wanna be Weezy don’t ya? I’m a performer homie, you just take it easy won’t ya. From Nickelodeon, Source to BET, I’m approaching the podium folks is voting for me.”

That’ll show them Bow Wow. No way they treat you like a rapper that can’t buy his own cigarettes now.

And for those of you that miss the more sensitive Bow Wow, don’t fret, he still has a number of classic tracks for you to color rainbows to. “Hey Little Momma” and “My Baby” are some of the most orgasmic songs on the album; especially for anyone who hasn’t learned how the female orgasm works.

From start to finish “Unleashed” proves to be every high school students favorite thing to get yelled at for playing too loud after 9pm. The new Bow Wow has truly been unleashed, and we’ve all found something else to be thankful for this year.

Hi, I'm a student at the university of michigan. I'm currently in the LHSP program and we are creating an arts and literary journal that showcases the best work of LHSP students from the past 50 years. We are overviewing about 6 poems by a Langston Kerman now, and I was wondering if this was you ?

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 19:33:02 -0500

Yeah, that’s definitely me. Feel free to use any of the poems I wrote during the program. That’s awesome.

Life changing

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 12:02:41 -0500

Life changing

Help Vote for Langston Kerman as the new host for KarmaloopTV

Sat, 04 Feb 2012 03:05:10 -0500

Help Vote for Langston Kerman as the new host for KarmaloopTV

Who hurt you LL? Who hurt you???

Tue, 17 Jan 2012 20:47:05 -0500

Who hurt you LL? Who hurt you???

"My partners say I should practice more… They be saying I sound like I’m out of tune. And..."

Sun, 08 Jan 2012 22:55:38 -0500

“My partners say I should practice more… They be saying I sound like I’m out of tune. And I ask them, do you cry in tune? Do you laugh in tune?”

- Andre 3000

This song always melts my heart to Bitch

Tue, 03 Jan 2012 19:54:03 -0500

This song always melts my heart to Bitch

Brian “White Mamba” Scalabrine At the 1:36 mark, I...

Tue, 03 Jan 2012 19:44:10 -0500

Brian “White Mamba” Scalabrine

At the 1:36 mark, I lost it.

The smoothest move EVER for the first kiss.

Thu, 29 Dec 2011 03:27:27 -0500

The smoothest move EVER for the first kiss.

"I am successful, only because I stink of failure."

Wed, 28 Dec 2011 03:08:02 -0500

“I am successful, only because I stink of failure.”

- Langston Kerman