A Complete List of the Reasons Pimping Ain’t Easy 1) Not loving hoes is hard.  Sure they may be unclean and mostly insincere, but touching my junk for a nominal fee is what I’ve always looked for in a woman.  Not loving hoes is like handing me a plate of really syrupy waffles, and saying,  “Hey, after you’re finished, make sure you slap the waffles around and laugh at their father issues.” I can’t do that to waffles. 2) Pimp uniforms are expensive.  Do you know how much money is wasted on gold teeth every year? A ton! If the gold tooth industry ever goes public,  we’ll figure our way out of this recession.  Looking like you’re celebrating Easter in space doesn’t just happen by accident.  Sure, underwear made out of alligator and peacock feathers sounds classy, but it is quite the investment. 3) A strong pimp hand is difficult to come by.  Admittedly, I have very gentle hands. Some would say slightly ladylike. I would say, yeah, but a really strong lady.  The issue is it’s hard to change these soft hands. There’s no elective surgery or machine at the gym for developing your calluses.  I’ve learned very quickly these are not the open palms of punishment, but more the open palms of moonlit massages and molding crab cakes. 4) Beating women isn’t nearly as gratifying as my heroes led me to believe.  When my favorite mediocre rappers told me to keep my hoes in line, they failed to mention that hoes sometimes shed human tears.  Also, some hoes call the police (snitches), and let me tell you, the police don’t find pimping nearly as charming as you would think given their history of unnecessarily smacking faces. 5) It can take years to speak pimp fluently.  Pimps usually use very complicated metaphors and colloquialisms to express how much they want their money.  Pimp language is meant to terrify, but also impress with its magical phrasing. When I want my money, I write a softly worded email.  Also, I cc HR in the email, as to protect from any future complications.  Even in this technologically advanced world, I’m not sure if “To Whom It May Concern” is the best way to get a trick in check.
Pop-upView Separately

A Complete List of the Reasons Pimping Ain’t Easy
1) Not loving hoes is hard. 
Sure they may be unclean and mostly insincere, but touching my junk for a nominal fee is what I’ve always looked for in a woman. 
Not loving hoes is like handing me a plate of really syrupy waffles, and saying, 
“Hey, after you’re finished, make sure you slap the waffles around and laugh at their father issues.” I can’t do that to waffles.
2) Pimp uniforms are expensive. 
Do you know how much money is wasted on gold teeth every year? A ton! If the gold tooth industry ever goes public,  we’ll figure our way out of this recession. 
Looking like you’re celebrating Easter in space doesn’t just happen by accident. 
Sure, underwear made out of alligator and peacock feathers sounds classy, but it is quite the investment.
3) A strong pimp hand is difficult to come by. 
Admittedly, I have very gentle hands. Some would say slightly ladylike. I would say, yeah, but a really strong lady. 
The issue is it’s hard to change these soft hands. There’s no elective surgery or machine at the gym for developing your calluses. 
I’ve learned very quickly these are not the open palms of punishment, but more the open palms of moonlit massages and molding crab cakes.
4) Beating women isn’t nearly as gratifying as my heroes led me to believe. 
When my favorite mediocre rappers told me to keep my hoes in line, they failed to mention that hoes sometimes shed human tears. 
Also, some hoes call the police (snitches), and let me tell you, the police don’t find pimping nearly as charming as you would think given their history of unnecessarily smacking faces.
5) It can take years to speak pimp fluently. 
Pimps usually use very complicated metaphors and colloquialisms to express how much they want their money. 
Pimp language is meant to terrify, but also impress with its magical phrasing. When I want my money, I write a softly worded email. 
Also, I cc HR in the email, as to protect from any future complications. 
Even in this technologically advanced world, I’m not sure if “To Whom It May Concern” is the best way to get a trick in check.

Delayed Album Review: “Unleashed”

Lil Bow Wow - Unleashed

Don’t get too comfortable adult rappers with chest hair and responsibilities, it looks like 2003 is going to be quite the year for Lil Bow Wow. The teen sensation scoots back on the scene with his new release “Unleashed” which promises to really urge the question, “How much is $14.99 anyway?”

After abandoning his previous record label, and his first name “Lil”, listeners are meeting a new, more rabie heavy Bow Wow. This isn’t your girlfriend’s little sister’s kitten’s hip hop anymore. With songs about picking girls up at the mall, and learning to drive, it’s like you can actually hear his testicles dropping mid-album. This guy has become plain dangerous. I mean, look at the album cover. It’s the epitome of cool. He is literally throwing up neutral gang signs in front of an explosion! It’s like he’s saying, “Hey explosion, you can’t wear those colors in my neighborhood.” And we’re all sitting back like, “What is he crazy?!” No, he’s no crazy, just unleashed. 

Bow Wow’s lyrics have matured quite a bit since his last studio release. For instance, take his impressive use of consonance in the song “Get It Poppin’”. 

“B Wizzle, Swizzle, is you crazy baby? I’m rain, them boys just drizzle.”

Wooooaaahhhh!!!! Did this guy just compare himself to a moderate storm??? You damn right he did, and he meant every word.

Similarly, check out his ferocious shoutout to a children’s network in the song “I Can’t Lose”.

“You think it’s easy don’t ya? wanna be Weezy don’t ya? I’m a performer homie, you just take it easy won’t ya. From Nickelodeon, Source to BET, I’m approaching the podium folks is voting for me.”

That’ll show them Bow Wow. No way they treat you like a rapper that can’t buy his own cigarettes now.

And for those of you that miss the more sensitive Bow Wow, don’t fret, he still has a number of classic tracks for you to color rainbows to. “Hey Little Momma” and “My Baby” are some of the most orgasmic songs on the album; especially for anyone who hasn’t learned how the female orgasm works.

From start to finish “Unleashed” proves to be every high school students favorite thing to get yelled at for playing too loud after 9pm. The new Bow Wow has truly been unleashed, and we’ve all found something else to be thankful for this year.